


Maybe I Deserve Love(2)

by MyGoldenEyes



Series: Soulmates and Other Lovers [2]
Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Forgive Me, I want my boys better, Lots of healing, M/M, Multi, Not really slow burn, Polyamory, i love them, mental hospital fic, this is planned, triggers warning for suicide mentions, will be kinda short
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-07-17
Updated: 2017-09-04
Packaged: 2018-12-03 05:09:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 3,252
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11525202
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MyGoldenEyes/pseuds/MyGoldenEyes
Summary: Evan isn't ok. Jared knew it, that's why he told Heidi about her son's two suicide attempts. He was just trying to be a good friend.Connor watched his soulmate walk away, broken, after Zoe told him that he'd never be good enough for Connor. He didn't do anything and no he hears a rumor that Evan was in mental hospital. It was all his fault. he had to fix this.Both of them need to fix it.So they visit Evan.Maybe during one of the visits Evan will actually say something.(Sequel to You Don't Have to Love Me)





	1. Jared

Jared Kleinman didn’t like waiting rooms, honestly who really does. Waiting rooms always have those annoying lights that buzz slightly, there’s always someone crying for some reason. Not only that but waiting rooms stood for something terrible. The waiting was never for something good, maybe you were waiting for a birth or something but still there was a chance something would go wrong. Things were even worse when sitting in a mental hospital’s waiting room. 

Jared shifted uncomfortably. The secretary had told Jared that he would be able to go in and see Evan in the visiting room in fifteen minutes, of course that had been about an hour ago. But Jared wasn’t going to leave, Evan was Jared’s only friend and he needed Jared. It’s not like anyone else would visit Evan. Sure Heidi would try but she was so busy, she had to work overtime to keep Evan here for how long he needed to stay.

She was only going to be able to afford the recommended 72 hours but Jared’s mothers had pitched in and Evan was able to stay the full seven days that the doctor had recommended. Jared had overheard his mothers talking with Heidi and it sounded like the Murphy’s were pitching in as well, something about Evan being Connor’s first friend. 

Oh yeah, Connor Fucking Murphy. Evan’s fucking soulmate that didn’t give a shit about Evan. That dick hadn’t even reached out to Evan, at least not that Jared knew. Connor didn’t and never would deserve Evan. 

Jared was pulled out of his seething pit of hatred for Connor Murphy by the nurse calling his name. She was a soft looking woman. Her eyes were warm, her face had smile lines, and she was over all inviting. Jared walked towards her and internally cringed at the fact that she was taller than him. Though he constantly joked about it, his height was really a sore point. 

The woman smiled at him and stepped aside to let him walk into the small room. There were loveseats on both sides of the manilla colored room(why on earth anyone would want to paint a room the color of dang folders was beyond Jared). Evan sat on the loveseat opposite Jared, he had his legs pulled up to his chest and his eyes shifted, he looked horrible and he’s only been there two days. 

Jared didn’t want to remember Evan’s expression yesterday morning when Heidi and him had left him at the hospital. Evan had looked so betrayed and alone as the nurse had lead him away. Jared had wanted nothing more than to rush forward and pull Evan away, he wanted to be the one to help Evan, but he wasn’t enough. Evan needed professionals, fucking love wasn’t going to fix him. 

When Evan caught sight of Jared he smiled slightly then looked away. Jared stepped forward slightly and Evan flinched so Jared stepped back and took a seat opposite of Evan. 

“Hey buddy…” Jared started awkwardly. Evan didn’t even acknowledge the fact that Jared had spoken, Jared took this as an invatation to continue, “How have things been going?” 

Silence. 

“Do you like it here?”

Silence. 

“Has it helped any?” 

Silence. 

“Do you think you’re getting better?” 

That was how the rest of the visit went. Evan didn’t say a word until the very end. 

“I want to go back to my room?” 

So Jared left and Evan looked just as sad as the first time. Jared wondered if he was going to come back, if he could handle this every time, leaving Evan, watching Evan suffer to get better. But then he laughed to himself, rather bitterly, he couldn’t not see Evan, but maybe he’d have to wait till Friday.


	2. Connor

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Connor has a big day ahead of him

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You can help influence the direction of this story or see more of my writing on my tumblr @autisticauthorgabs

‘Big day, first case, girls gone, no trace…’ Connor plugged his phone into his car and the comedic broadway song surrounded him. It was often assumed that Connor was very punk and only listened to obscure bands or liek FOB or Panic! but that was completely untrue. Connor was a literature and theater nerd, if he wasn’t listening to an audio book, he was listing to a musical. Just because he wears all black doesn’t mean he’s emo or something, I mean sure he want’s to die sometimes but that was probably more the mental illness than his actual desires. 

Connor smiled slightly at the awkward character singing about a missing Winnie Foster. Honestly Connor sort of resonated with Hugo, today was going to be a big day. The day before Connor’s soulmate had been checked into a mental hospital. That phone call had been nothing short of chilling. Jared had been so dry and matter of fact, he’d stressed that he was only telling Connor due to the soulmate thing, he felt Connor deserved to know. 

After that call Connor had collapsed in his room. He had cried, he had wept. This was his fault, he watched Zoe yell at Evan, he watched Evan walk away. He should have recognized that expression, Evan had gone to kill himself. Jared must have stopped him, Jared, not Connor, Jared, not his soulmate but the person who actually deserved him. 

Connor’s mother had found him like that, sobbing and pulling at his hair. She had dropped to her knees and wrapped her arms around him. Then he confessed everything, everything about Evan being his soulmate, all that had happened, what Evan had done. 

So Cynthia made a decision. She called the best therapist in their area and made an appointment, they’d gotten lucky, there had been a cancellation and Connor was able to get in the very next day. 

So Connor sat in his car, building the courage to start on his way. But no, somehow in his haze of thought he had started the car, he was already on his way. Connor snapped himself out of thought and concentrated on the road. He had an hour and half of driving, that’s the price for the best therapist in the area. 

Tuck Everlasting faded away into Come From Away. As the story unfolded Connor found himself sobbing again, it looked like it was going to be one of those days. 

The therapy offices were in a small building tucked behind a mini golf course. Connor walked through to doors into the surprisingly spacious waiting room. He cautiously approached the desk. 

“Umm I’m here for an appointment, Connor Murphy,” The receptionist smiled and nodded. She quickly typed something in. 

“Yes, the doctor will be out in a moment,” Connor made to move to a seat. 

The television was playing some kids show so Connor turned his attention to his phone. He had a text from Jared, well it was from Evan’s phone but Jared had the phone while Evan was in the hospital. 

Evan: Don’t visit Evan today, he isn’t ok. 

Connor sent back a quick ‘ok’. He grimaced, he had actually planned to visit Evan, despite how his presence was most likely going to be unwanted. It must have been some soulmate thing but he needed to see Evan especially now. 

“Connor?” Connor looked up and saw a smiling man standing at the door that must lead back to the offices. He quickly stood and walked over to the man who began to lead him to his office. 

Everything in the room was a muted color, it made Connor slightly uneasy, though honestly most things did. There were three seats aside from the therapist’s chair, Connor chose the one the farthest from the therapist. The man nodded as if he expected this from Connor, this small action caused Connor to become defensive. This dick wasn’t getting shit out of Connor. 

“Tell me about yourself Connor, start wherever you want.” Despite Connor’s resolution five seconds ago to withhold from this man, Dr. Huang, Connor noticed a plaque on his desk, Connor found himself speaking. 

“Nothing’s right. I hurt everyone around me and I’m such a disappointment,” 

“How do you hurt everyone around you?” 

“I lash out all the time. I just, I get angry and I just can’t- I can- it’s just- everything is wrong and it hurts and then I hurt them,” 

“Who do you hurt Connor?” 

“I hurt my sister and my mother and I even hurt my soulmate,” 

“Do you mean to hurt them-” 

“No!” Connor screamed, tears were running down his face, he wasn’t sure when that started, “I never want to, I love them all I know I do but I just I can’t,” 

Dr. Huang began to as Connor questions about his anger and depressive episodes. At the end they discussed possible diagnoses, they had settled on BPD, Connor and the Dr. Huang both thought it fit best. 

The drive back was silent, Connor couldn’t find the energy to turn on anything. Connor needed to see Evan. so he drove to the hospital, Jared’s text forgotten. 

The secretary seemed surprised, “Evan’s already had a visitor today. Don’t get me wrong, you can still visit him, it’s just unusual.” 

The wait for Evan was much shorter. Connor was in in almost fifteen minutes. Connor ran to Evan as soon as he saw him but Evan backed away from him, so Connor stepped back. 

“Why are you here?” The words didn’t have venom, it was just a question. Connor swallowed back more tears. 

“I-I needed to see you,” Evan nodded slightly as if he understood. Then he went silent. Connor told Evan about therapy and Evan remained silent. Connor asked Evan about his stay and Evan remained silent. Eventually Connor had to leave. 

He left empty. His soulmate was suffering and there was nothing he could do about it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You can help influence the direction of this story or see more of my writing on my tumblr @autisticauthorgabs


	3. Jared

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Two boys visit Evan

Jared found himself yet again in front of the hospital. He couldn’t even imagine why he was there, Evan didn’t want to see him. But there was this lingering feeling that Evan needed to see him, it might have just been Jared’s own wish to see Evan but he couldn’t shake the feeling. 

There was a different secretary, this one smiled brightly. Her cheerful attitude was almost infections. Almost. Jared gave a half smile and stated his reason for being there. 

“Goodness, it looks like Evan has quite a few visitors, most patients have one or two visitors for their whole stay and it’s normally a relative,” 

Jared was slightly annoyed at the words, “Yeah well we’re family friends so same thing,” The woman’s smile faltered slightly before she plastered it back on her face. 

“It might be a bit of a wait, I believe Evan is in group at the moment. Please have a seat in our waiting room,” 

Jared perched himself on the edge of one of the seats and pulled out his phone. Maybe he could spend some time on tumblr, his blog was so unused it was almost criminal. He soon found himself absorbed in his dash that was until he heard someone say the name ‘Evan Hansen’. Jared jerked his head up, expecting a nurse to be waiting at the door. 

But it wasn’t a nurse. It was Connor Murphy. 

He stood at the help desk and listened as the secretary gave the same talk she had given to Jared moments before. Jared watched as Connor turned and spotted Jared. His eyes widened then his face settled into almost a snarl. 

“What’s your damage Murphy?” Even Jared was surprised at exactly how hostile he sounded. 

“You know what you did,” Connor walked over and towered over Jared. Jared rose to his feet but that didn’t help Connor had a good foot over Jared so he still loomed above, “It’s probably your fucking fault that he’s here anyways,” 

“No more than it is yours!” Jared spat back. Then he watched in horror and Connor’s expression fell and tears welled up in his eyes. 

“It’s all my fault,” Connor was shaking and Jared didn’t know what to do. 

“No I didn’t- I mean it’s not- It’s not any one person’s fault. It’s just a lot of things and this is the second time so he was already struggling and it’s-” 

“What the hell do you mean it’s the second time?” Connor was back to fuming, he made a sound that sounded like a growl and Jared was genuinely frightened. Connor wasn’t going to murder him in a hospital waiting room, right? 

“It’s not my place to say,” With that Jared fell back onto the chair and looked away from Connor. Connor spun on his heel and picked a seat across the waiting room. 

“Evan is ready. But he only has a little time so you’ll have to go in together or only one of you can go.” 

The two shared a look and both pushed past the nurse into the visitor room. Jared made to sit on the loveseat across from Evan but Connor walked over to sit by Evan. Connor reached out and when Evan didn’t retreat he took Evan’s hand in his own. Jared glared at Connor but took his seat on the other side. 

“Are you mad at me?” Evan finally spoke after several moments of silence and his question was aimed at Connor. Jared turned his face away and tried his best to not let his disappointment show. 

“No, I could never be,” Connor paused and seemed to be collecting his courage, “I love you Evan,” 

With that Jared was on his feet, “Hell! You’ve known him for what two weeks? You’ve done nothing but cause problems for him. I’ve been on his side- I’ve been with him forever. You’ve done fucking nothing to deserve him,” Jared stopped himself when he saw Evan quivering, “I’m-I’m sorry Ev, I didn’t mean to- Fuck,” 

Jared sat back down and put his face in his hands. After a beat of silence he felt a hand on his shoulder. 

“I’m sorry,” Jared didn’t want to look up at Evan, if he looked up he would cry. Evan sat next to Jared and began to rub soothing circles into his back, “But Jared, please don’t say things like that to Connor, he’s trying really.” Jared nodded. 

They all stayed like that in silence until the nurse called them away.


	4. Whatever

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's short but important

With that Jared was on his feet, “Hell! You’ve known him for what two weeks? You’ve done nothing but cause problems for him. I’ve been on his side- I’ve been with him forever. You’ve done fucking nothing to deserve him,” Jared stopped himself when he saw Evan quivering, “I’m-I’m sorry Ev, I didn’t mean to- Fuck,” 

Connor watched Jared put his face into his hands. Evan pulled away from Connor and for a second Connor felt the urge to reach out and regain some form of contact. Instead Connor settled back into the couch and watched Evan walk over to Jared’s side. Evan put a hand on Jared’s back and leaned down towards him. Evan mumbled something to Jared as he took a seat next to Jared. 

Evan said something else but Connor couldn’t make out much more than the words “Connor” and “trying”, Connor hoped that those words were connected. 

The three settled into a soft silence until the nurse called Connor and Jared out. 

As soon as the door was closed behind Jared Connor spoke, “You can have him,” 

Jared puffed up slightly and stepped closer to Connor, he jabbed a finger into Connor’s chest, “What the hell is wrong with you Murphy, neither of us are going to “have” him, he is a fucking independent human being. Aside from that what the hell do you mean, he loves you, you’re his soulmate, you already won you don’t have to rub it in,”

Connor’s face stayed neutral through Jared’s verbal assault but as Jared mentioned Evan “loving” him he began to snarl, “He doesn’t give a shit about me, well not above his usual amazing, kind, caring, attitude he has towards everyone. Didn’t you see the way he looked at you?” 

“Fuck- Didn’t you see the way he looked at you Murphy!” Jared and Connor stood glaring at each other for a few moments before Jared turned away, “Whatever makes Evan happy,” 

Connor understood. It didn’t matter what they thought, both of them would do whatever was best for Evan, whatever he chose.


	5. Jared

It was finally the end. It was Evan’s last day. One last visit and tomorrow Evan would be out. Jared stood right outside of the doors to the hospital and took a deep breath. He had no reason to be nervous. Evan had been doing fine. Heidi was giving him periodic updates on Evan’s condition. Evan would be out the next day with no issues. 

He’d be out and then he’d go straight to Connor and abandon Jared. 

This was the last day that Jared could be with Evan. 

Jared let out his breath and walked through the doors. He walked right into Connor Murphy. Jared couldn’t take it. This was his day with Evan. Connor would get every single day after this. He deserved this one fucking day. 

“Get out,” Connor looked down at Jared and cocked an eyebrow. He scoffed and was about to speak when Jared started up again, “I just want thirty fucking minutes without a reminder that you two were fucking made for each other or whatever.” 

Connor looked like he was about to speak when he seemed to think better of it. He stepped aside and allowed Jared to walk up to the front desk. 

“I’m here to see-”

“Evan Hansen. Yes, you’ve been in every day. We have limited visiting hours today so just be mindful of that. I’ll send someone in for Evan.” Jared nodded and went to take a seat. He watched as Connor walked up to the desk. 

“Did you say there were limited visiting hours today?” 

“Yes sir, it’s Evan’s last day so he will need extra time for last appointments and such.” 

Connor glanced at Jared nervously. Then walked over to him. 

“I’m going in with you. I want to see him.” Jared glared up at Connor. A situation that very much mirrored the one from the day before. 

“You’ll see him after he gets out,” 

“You think he’ll want to see me after I’m the reason he’s here,” 

Jared rose to his feet as he had the day before, “You conceited little shit. You think that Evan did this because of your little lover's spat? Sorry dumb ass but mental illness is a lot more fucking complicated than that!” 

“You don’t think I fucking know that?” 

“I’m really not sure if you do or not Murphy!” 

They glared for several moments before the woman at the desk seemed to break under the tension filling the waiting room. 

“I’m sorry but Mr. Murphy has privileges over you as Evan’s soulmate.” 

Jared growled in the back of his throat then huffed and extended a hand, “We both go,” 

Connor nodded and turned away from him. At that exact moment, the door opened and Connor and Jared rushed inside. 

Evan was standing in the middle of the room instead of cowering on the couch. He smiled when he saw Jared and Connor, even walked up to give Connor a hug. Jared blinked as he was passed over but tried to shrug it off. He needed to get used to everything. 

“Are you ready to leave Ev?” Evan looked away from Connor and focused fully on Jared. He smiled slightly and nodded. Jared hoped this wouldn’t be another silent visit.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tumblr: @autisticauthorgabs


End file.
